Recently in my life, “love is in the air”. I’m beginning to make some big decisions, think some things through, and have learned to welcome love, and to love once again. One of the steps that I wanted to take to learn to love again was to read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, but I was unable to get my hands on a copy until recently. As I am reading through the book I will share my thoughts with you and maybe help you along in learning your love language too.
When I said “learning your love language”, some of you may be wondering what I am talking about. In “The Five Love Languages” book, there are (obviously) 5 different qualities, that you could say, that would define each of us in how we need to be loved. What kind of love means the most to us and is essentially the love that we need. Those 5 “love languages” are,
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch
Online, at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ you can take an assessment of what “love language” you are. It will rank the “love languages” for you based on your answer, giving a total for each. I was honestly surprised at how accurate the assessment was and would greatly encourage each of you to take that assessment.
When I first began dating my boyfriend, I couldn’t understand how we got along so well. We were total opposites in some ways (no, not all opposites attract, sorry) and even lived in different worlds in other ways. The only things we really had in common were that we both came from large families and we both love children. Shawn comes from a very affectionate family, while mine isn’t so much. Shawn was into sports while he was in school, I was more into music. Shawn is more patient and laid back, while I am quite impatient and always in a hurry. Then once we both took the “5 love languages” assessment, it all made sense. It all made sense why we both would get upset when we couldn’t see each other for weeks (yes, the move to Texas was really hard on us both). It all made sense why we feel like we need that alone time to talk things out and just relax together. The top love language for both of us is… “quality time”. Now that we both know this, we understand that we DO need that time together and there is a reason why we get upset when we don’t have that time. It is a necessity for our relationship to survive, and most likely the reason why it has survived so far. We have always tried to make a point to be there for each other and I am thankful that we have both tried to put forth that effort.
Did you know that within 5 years of a marriage, 20% of them end in divorce? Or that within 10 years, 30% of them end in divorce? Or yet still that at 15 years, 43% of marriages end in divorce? To me, that statistics are so scary. My parents were divorced not too long after their 15th anniversary, and many of my aunts and uncles have been divorced. This scares me, but at the same time, it pushes me to be the exception. Shawn and I have talked a lot on the subject of divorce (his parents are divorced as well) and have decided that divorce will NOT ever be even an option for us. And I believe that we will make it with God in the center of our relationship and with all the literature out there for married couples, there is a lot of ideas and support to keep divorce out of our vocabulary.
One point that chapter one made was that we are all so able and eager to learn the “language of technology”, but we aren’t so much willing to study the “language of love”. As I think about it, that is so true. You get a new gadget and we will spend countless hours learning about it, playing with it, and showing it off. So, why can’t we, or won’t we, do that with love? In psychology you learn that love is a “learned response, a learned emotion”, but yet we expect it to just be a part of us. We expect it to be automatic or to even just fall at our feet. We try to “fall in love”, but I honestly think that we don’t even know what love looks like. We think we have a picture of what it is (you know, the stereotypical knight in shining armor on a white horse, right?), but even if love finds us, we have no clue how to handle it or even the person who is giving it.
For those of you who are seeking love, I think this would be a great book to check out. Before you get into a relationship you have to learn how to love or else that relationship is going to turn into lust or it will fail. For those of you who don’t like to read or can’t get your hands on a copy of the book for some reason, I will write these little (or not so little) blurbs about points that I found important in the book along with my thoughts. So, I challenge you, my friends to join me on this 14 day quest to learn about ourselves, and about love.
(The book comes with questions at the end of each chapter and other questions for each chapter in the back. I will post questions from the book so that you made ponder them or even respond if you feel lead to or brave enough to. Enjoy!)
1. To what degree do you feel loved by the significant people in your life?
2. Have you been a friend to someone in need? How did you express your love?
3. How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?
4. How strongly do you agree with the quote that, “Much of the pain in broken relationships in our world stems from the truth that many of us in Western culture have never been serious students of love”?
5. Chapter 1 describes love as a “learned emotion”. What is something specific you could do this week to become a better student in showing love to others?
6. CHALLENGE: Take some time this week to list people who have shown significant love toward you during your lifetime. What common themes can you identify from your list? Also, write or call one person from your list to thank him or her for the difference this love made to you.
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