I realized tonight that some people may not think this book is for them. I mean, love? Who needs love? Love is for those fairy-tale, twilight, Disney princess people, right? Wrong. Because each one of us in a relationship to at least someone somewhere, we still love to an extent and we still want love. Just because you are not into the mushy “love”, that does not mean that you do not love or that you don’t want to be loved.
Chapter two talks briefly about parents loving, or not loving their children and I really wanted to talk about that. When you hear people say that someone went “looking for love in the wrong places”, maybe it’s because they didn’t receive love in the “right” places. Parents, I challenge you to learn what each of your children’s love languages are. It is so important that you understand your children so that you can be there for them in the ways that they need you to be. One person in the book mentioned that every person they had met that lived on the streets did not feel love from their parents. This statement alone gave me a big red flag. This is serious stuff! Some parents may say they show their love by providing a roof over their heads and food on the table. You know, that may not be enough. Some children need you to actually spend time with them. Some children need that affection. And the list goes on.
I want to touch briefly on this affection thing with your children. Usually mothers have no problem showing their children affection. But when it comes to fathers showing affection, many times it’s a different story. Dads, if you have a children whose love language is “physical touch”, I could care less if you think you are too macho or if you feel it is the mother’s place, not yours. You need to bend down and hug your child. Let them know that you care too. There are TOO many girls that do not get that love from their fathers and they do go looking for that love other places. And too many times, it’s in the arms of another man. (And I think we all know where that can lead.)
I mentioned earlier about the fairy-tales, Twilight and Disney princess stuff. There are so many people who love “love”. In fact, some of us are quite infatuated with it! We live in the romance novels, the “love” quizzes, the love songs. Many times, because that is what we want to feel. We want what is in those forms of media. But here is the thing, we love “love”, but we don’t know or understand “love”. Love is not necessarily your heart melting, or the butterflies in your stomach, or anything like that. Those feelings can accompany love, but they don’t dictate whether or not it is love.
Gary Chapman talks about there being two stages of love. The “Obsessive Stage of Love” and the “Covenant Stage of Love”. I’ve heard the first stage also referred to as the “honeymoon stage” and that’s actually a pretty accurate stage. You’re always gushing over your love and you always want to be with your love. I’ve heard a lot of people knock this stage and call it childish or whatever else they choose to call it. Guess what? It’s normal. This is a completely normal stage that typically lasts 2 years! Who would’ve knew! But the thing is, that stage doesn’t last forever and if you plan on your love lasting forever, you will have to work at it. Know how to love your significant other. If you are unwilling to work on your love, the relationship is destined to fail.
I know I personally want to be that old couple that you see in the store holding hands. Or the old couple sitting on the front porch together every morning. That is my dream for me and my spouse someday. But for that to happen, I’ll have to put forth some effort in our relationship. I am determined that if effort is put forth into any relationship, it will succeed. No matter what happens, no matter who has done any wrong, if you work together, I believe that it can and will last. To do this, we have to listen. We have to be able to speak their love language to them, and not just speak our own. It all comes down to sort of a selflessness. And I believe that if you truly love someone, you will be willing to be selfless.
(Again, here are the questions to ponder from the chapter. Maybe right these down. If you are single, do it alone or with a friend or parent. If you are in a dating relationship, do it with your significant other. If you have children, you could even discuss them with your children. And again, feel free to share your answers if you so desire.)
1. Which of your relationships do you consider to be healthy?
2. Which of your relationships would you like to see improved?
3. How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Your father?
4. In dating relationships, how many times have you experienced “Stage One: Obsessive/Passionate Love”?
5. Were you able to make the transition to “Stage Two: Covenant Love”? Why or why not?
6. Are you willing to invest time in learning to speak the five love languages?
7. All your relationships spring from the relationship with your parents. How have you seen this to be true in your life?
8. We often believe love is simply something that “happens to you”. In what ways is this true? In what ways is this not true?
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