The Five Love Languages Quest-Chpt. 1- 12/5/2010

                Recently in my life, “love is in the air”.  I’m beginning to make some big decisions, think some things through, and have learned to welcome love, and to love once again.  One of the steps that I wanted to take to learn to love again was to read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, but I was unable to get my hands on a copy until recently.  As I am reading through the book I will share my thoughts with you and maybe help you along in learning your love language too.

                When I said “learning your love language”, some of you may be wondering what I am talking about.  In “The Five Love Languages” book, there are (obviously) 5 different qualities, that you could say, that would define each of us in how we need to be loved.  What kind of love means the most to us and is essentially the love that we need.  Those 5 “love languages” are,

1.        Words of Affirmation

2.       Gifts

3.       Acts of Service

4.       Quality Time

5.       Physical Touch

Online, at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ you can take an assessment of what “love language” you are.  It will rank the “love languages” for you based on your answer, giving a total for each.  I was honestly surprised at how accurate the assessment was and would greatly encourage each of you to take that assessment.

                When I first began dating my boyfriend, I couldn’t understand how we got along so well.  We were total opposites in some ways (no, not all opposites attract, sorry) and even lived in different worlds in other ways.  The only things we really had in common were that we both came from large families and we both love children.  Shawn comes from a very affectionate family, while mine isn’t so much.  Shawn was into sports while he was in school, I was more into music.  Shawn is more patient and laid back, while I am quite impatient and always in a hurry.  Then once we both took the “5 love languages” assessment, it all made sense.  It all made sense why we both would get upset when we couldn’t see each other for weeks (yes, the move to Texas was really hard on us both).  It all made sense why we feel like we need that alone time to talk things out and just relax together.  The top love language for both of us is… “quality time”.  Now that we both know this, we understand that we DO need that time together and there is a reason why we get upset when we don’t have that time.  It is a necessity for our relationship to survive, and most likely the reason why it has survived so far.  We have always tried to make a point to be there for each other and I am thankful that we have both tried to put forth that effort.

                Did you know that within 5 years of a marriage, 20% of them end in divorce?  Or that within 10 years, 30% of them end in divorce?  Or yet still that at 15 years, 43% of marriages end in divorce?  To me, that statistics are so scary.  My parents were divorced not too long after their 15^th anniversary, and many of my aunts and uncles have been divorced.  This scares me, but at the same time, it pushes me to be the exception.  Shawn and I have talked a lot on the subject of divorce (his parents are divorced as well) and have decided that divorce will NOT ever be even an option for us.  And I believe that we will make it with God in the center of our relationship and with all the literature out there for married couples, there is a lot of ideas and support to keep divorce out of our vocabulary. 

                One point that chapter one made was that we are all so able and eager to learn the “language of technology”, but we aren’t so much willing to study the “language of love”.  As I think about it, that is so true.  You get a new gadget and we will spend countless hours learning about it, playing with it, and showing it off.  So, why can’t we, or won’t we, do that with love?  In psychology you learn that love is a “learned response, a learned emotion”, but yet we expect it to just be a part of us.  We expect it to be automatic or to even just fall at our feet.  We try to “fall in love”, but I honestly think that we don’t even know what love looks like.  We think we have a picture of what it is (you know, the stereotypical knight in shining armor on a white horse, right?), but even if love finds us, we have no clue how to handle it or even the person who is giving it. 

                For those of you who are seeking love, I think this would be a great book to check out.  Before you get into a relationship you have to learn how to love or else that relationship is going to turn into lust or it will fail.  For those of you who don’t like to read or can’t get your hands on a copy of the book for some reason, I will write these little (or not so little) blurbs about points that I found important in the book along with my thoughts.  So, I challenge you, my friends to join me on this 14 day quest to learn about ourselves, and about love.

(The book comes with questions at the end of each chapter and other questions for each chapter in the back.  I will post questions from the book so that you made ponder them or even respond if you feel lead to or brave enough to.  Enjoy!)

1.        To what degree do you feel loved by the significant people in your life?

2.       Have you been a friend to someone in need?  How did you express your love?

3.       How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?

4.       How strongly do you agree with the quote that, “Much of the pain in broken relationships in our world stems from the truth that many of us in Western culture have never been serious students of love”?

5.       Chapter 1 describes love as a “learned emotion”.  What is something specific you could do this week to become a better student in showing love to others?

6.       CHALLENGE: Take some time this week to list people who have shown significant love toward you during your lifetime.  What common themes can you identify from your list?  Also, write or call one person from your list to thank him or her for the difference this love made to you.

Sex 101- Part 1- Written in summer '10 (Pre-requisit for post labeled "part 2")

(Now I’m wondering how many of you clicked on this note just because of the title.  But don’t worry, you haven’t been fooled.  I really am going to talk about sex in this note.)

                Things have been happening lately that have made me stop and think about some things, especially concerning relationships.  So… sex.  You know, sex is really a beautiful thing that was actually ordained by God.  It is a pleasure that he gave us to have.  Something that binds a man and a woman together.  In having sex, that man and woman become one.  So now as I’m writing this I think, sex is like a marriage ceremony.  An action to show that two people have become one.  (And yes… two people do become one.  You become joined together… literally)  (oh no!  I probably just freaked someone out!... eh, get over it.)  Ok so here’s a couple points I want to make on this topic.

1.        Something that was so beautifully created by God for our pleasure has been turned into something so dirty and perverse.  Why?  I mean, the media shows us this passionate mess of fake emotions and empty love.  It’s like sex has become a drug or alcohol to some.  Going thru a hard time?  SEX!  Whoohoo!  Cure all!  And idk, to me personally, the sex that the media portrays seems so dirty and pornographic!  I mean, the sex that we have come to know is one that (for many of us) can’t imagine our grandparents (or maybe even parents) doing!  How could such (in some cases) old-fashioned people done something so sleezy?  (I mean married or not here too!)  They didn’t!  Hollywood has made sex sleezy when really it’s a very beautiful thing!

2.       Ok, ya’ll ready for this point?  (Yeah, all you sissy’s should probably just stop reading here.  This might be too much for you to handle.)  Ok, so you know how I said earlier about how sex makes two people become one?  (Don’t try to argue it…)  Here’s my thing… SOME PEOPLE ARE BECOMING ONE WAYYYY TOO EARLY!!!  Most middle schooler’s are not ready for marriage… so WHY ARE THEY HAVING SEX?  It’s the same thing in a way.  The emotions are the same!  I mean, a lot of high schoolers aren’t even ready!  Ulg, I really wish some people would think about these things.  And you know how many relationships are being built on physical intimacy?!?  WAY TOO MANY!  Take out all that physical stuff and hey, you might be able to build a real relationship!  (I know… too tough a challenge for many of you.  Wanna show ur strong?  King of the world?  Try manning it up and waiting for that “one”.)

Ok, last thing I was thinking about.  Unfaithfulness.  If someone is going to be unfaithful… there is nothing you can do to stop it.  No matter how many times you have sex with them, or how well you treat them, or how much you bribe them… they’re gonna cheat!  Ok, so I have this theory.  Instead of killing yourself trying to be perfect, and trying to please them physically constantly (and then feeling you aren’t good enough when they leave you), try leaving the physical stuff out.  If a person can stay with you (and NOT cheat on you) when there is no sex, then hey… you might actually be on to something!  If that person will stay with you, that means that they most likely LOVE you.  …and love ALL of you, not just your body.

Have I been harsh in this note?  Maybe.  I’m just tired of people getting hurt.  I know I can’t make decisions for you, and I know that many of you will probably ignore most of what I said because you think it’s just my opinion and that you know better.  (Which if you think that and your methods have only led to hurt before, then I might have to say… TIME TO TRY ANOTHER METHOD!)  Sex should be with the person that you want to become one with because when you have sex, your body are not only joining as one, so are your hearts.  You may think a one night stand isn’t going to affect your heart, but if anyone out there can prove that to me, then hey, I’m all ears!  Idk, most of all I just want all to respect yourselves, and respect sex!  Keep it beautiful!

Sex 101-Part 2--12/3/2010

A while back I wrote a little blurb about sex.  (I’ll post it so you can read it if you want)  Since I wrote that blurb, I’ve learned even more about sex, what it’s meant for, and what it can do to and for you.  Just yesterday a friend asked on facebook if people thought teenagers should have sex.  This question really got me thinking, and tonight I want to lay out some of those thoughts.

As I stated in my “Sex 101-Part 1” note, sex is a beautiful thing.  But… as I have learned more, sex can also be very hurtful and damaging to a person if participate too soon.  Sex leaves a person with a strong connect, whether we want to admit it or not.  As I talked about in part 1, it makes “two become one”.    But in this little blurb, I want to be open and explain the negative effects of sex.

Once you have had sex once, you will want it again… and again… and again.  It is literally addicting.  It clouds your mind and in some cases, can take over your thoughts.  Some people try to deal with the vicious cycle by masturbating.  In my opinion, masturbating is not any better.  I know this is off topic here a bit, but masturbating only keeps the vicious cycle going.  (Honestly it is better to train your mind and wean yourself off if needed, not keep teasing and taunting your mind.  Eventually masturbating will not be enough and you will be back at square one.)

Another point that I have, I will illustrate using a scenario.  Jill meets Jack.  Jack and Jill become sexually involved.  Jack leaves Jill for the old lady in the shoe.  Jill has already given her heart and body to Jack.  What ever will she do?  Jill becomes depressed and decides to go and look for love.  But as she is looking for love, she has also locked her heart away so it will not get hurt again.  In this numb search for love, Jill begins to see that she can use her body as a tool.  It’s a power that she has over the other men.  She begins to aimlessly throw herself at other guys and begins to feel her “self-esteem” rise because now SHE is in control, and no one can hurt her this way.Here is the problem with this.  Though Jill may not see it at the time, Jill has made choices that are going to have a lasting effect on her.  She may feel that she is safe and in control, but really, she is only hurting herself more and more.  She may feel that her self-esteem is rising, but really, it’s plunging to an all time low.  Many times, individuals who are in Jill’s place (can be a guy or girl), will not begin to see these effects until they have found themselves in a serious relationship, or until something tragic happens.  That is when it all sinks in.  And believe me, it’s not pretty.

I wish I could let each of you see my heart right now.  I wish you could feel the urgency.  I know that I can’t make the decision for you, but I hope that you have at least heard me out.  Every day I regret the fact that I can’t tell my boyfriend that I saved all of me for him.  Every day I wonder how much it would’ve meant to him for me to be able to tell him, “I saved all of me for you because YOU are the best”!

Sex is not for children.  (I don’t mean ages 1-12 children.  I mean anyone who treats sex lightly.)  Sex is for those who are mature.  And if you are mature, you will have sex when it is appropriate.  I don’t believe that there is an age or age group when sex does become acceptable, (though there is such thing as sex being used too young.  A 12, 13 or even 14 year old has no business having sex because most likely, they aren’t married.) but I do believe there is a maturity level where sex is not appropriate.  You all know the lasting effects that sex can have.  We’ve all been taught that sex can lead to STD’s and babies.  Both of which will change your life forever.  So unless you know how to respect sex, you have no business having it.  You should be able to respect yourself and your partner enough to not even go there ultimately until you are married.  Once you are married, babies are no longer a tragedy.  They are a blessing.  (I personally do not believe that babies are ever a tragedy, but I do believe it is a tragedy that babies have to be brought into this world or killed because it’s parents bad decisions.)

How to wind this down?  Stop and think before you do all the physical stuff.  One thing can lead to another and before you know it, your life has changed one way or another.  I can’t go back and change my past, but if I can save someone else from the heartbreak that I have endured, I will do EVERYTHING in my power to do so.  Sex is beautiful, but demands respect.  If you can’t give it that, you have no business having it.

“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Hebrews 13:4)

There's Not Only One- 12/2/2010

It seems like so many of my friends are searching for “the one” for them.  And the more that I think about it, I don’t think there is a “one” for everyone.  (Why do I have the sinking feeling that I just crushed many hearts by saying that?)  But ok, get this.  God does have a plan for each of our lives, right?  I mean it says so in Jeremiah 29:11. (“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans for a hope and a future.’”)  But here is the other side of things.  God also gave us free will.  (Prime example of free will in use would be Adam and Eve’s choice to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.)  When God says He has plans for us, I believe that He is saying that if we are in His will that He does have all these wonderful plans for us.  And one part of those plans is to spend eternity with Him!

If God chose someone for each of us, many of us would get “screwed over”.  We all know that not everyone wants to live in God’s will, and some of us will even think that we’re in God’s will, but really we aren’t.  So say that God has planned that Jack is to be will Jill.  But Jack decides to not be in the right place at the right time and Jill goes and looks for love somewhere else.  What happens then?  Jill marries someone else?  That means that Jack is without his “one” and the man that Jill ends up with has made his “one” without her “one”.  It gets complicated with all the “one” stuff going on, but hopefully you followed me.

By saying that God doesn’t choose someone for each of us, does not mean that He can’t or won’t choose someone for some of us.  But for those relationships to work out, we really have to be in tune to what God wants for us.  We have to be sensitive to His voice.

Here’s the deal.  Not to sound like a whore or something weird, I think there are many men out there who COULD be my man.  God says that we are to be equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14), and I know that there are many fellow believers out there whom I could be equally yoked to.  (Granted, this doesn’t mean I’m going to try to yoked with them all.  I am not a fan of polygamy, mind you.)

To all you people who are freaking out that you are going to miss your “chance meeting” or whatever you wish to call it with your “one”, calm down.  I honestly believe that if you truly focus on God, He will work things out to where love will just come together.  Now, I must warn you.  IF you choose to step outside of God’s will once you are with your “perfect one”, that relationship can fail.  God gave us rules and guidelines for a reason, and stepping outside of them is VERY dangerous territory.  Territory which can lead to dealing with mistakes that will haunt you for the rest of your life, like I mentioned in my last blog.

My encouragement to you is, wait.  Listen to the song “Wait for Me” by Rebecca St. James.  It is a great song!  Love will find you in God’s time if you allow it to.  Outside of God’s time, you have no idea what you may be getting yourself into.  Pray and seek what God has for you.  And when love comes along and God is in the center, you will most likely find yourself with your “perfect one”. 

(I do want to encourage those who have lost their “perfect one”.  Like I said earlier, there are many fellow believers out there who could be your “perfect one” at a different time in your life.  (Though NOT while you are with someone else, of course).  Again, just be sensitive to God’s guidance in your life.)

Yes, I said it.  I’m a pansy.  So right now before some of you start scolding me and others start agreeing (shame on you, by the way), let me explain myself.  Tonight as I was talking to a good friend who was very discouraged, I realized how much of a pansy I have been.  This realization came from recognizing some similar traits in my friend.  We want to have control of our lives, but yet, we’re sissy’s about life.

I want to start by asking, how do you deal with major issues or trials in your life?  Where do you run?  Do you literally run?  Do you cry?  Do you get depressed?  Maybe you even inflict bodily harm upon yourself?  If you answered any of these, well, not trying to be mean, but you are in the same boat as me, and many others.  You, are indeed a pansy.  Now, before you go storming off or crying, again, let me explain by using myself as an example. 

Hi, my name is Heather Reynolds, and I’m a control freak.  I want to figure things out on my own, and when I mess up, I don’t want God to have to deal with the mess.  So I create a bigger mess on my own because… I… am a pansy.  Yes, there are some things in my life that I don’t and CAN’T have control over, but I DO have control over how I react to them.  Dwelling on my mistakes or my hurts just puts me in depression, which I will now refer to as a “pansy-state”.  Holing everything up leaves me in a “pansy-state”.  So now all you very insulted people are wondering, what do you do to NOT be in a “pansy-state”?  Glad you asked!!!

Many people view giving their heartaches, their pains, their mistakes to God as them saying they are too weak to handle things on their own.  Guess what, they’re right.  We are all TOO weak to handle so many burdens on our own!  But I have to ask you, would you rather live your life hurting AND being weak?  Or would you rather acknowledge your weakness, give it all to God, and gain strength thru Him?

God is our heavenly Father.  He watches over us, tries to guide us, and is always there for us.  He sent His ONLY son to carry the biggest burden known to man! The burden of sin.  (How ironic it is that most of our burdens are from our sins)  Do you think that God cannot handle the heartache of you?  Or maybe the brokenness of you?  One song that keeps popping into my mind right now is the song “Cares Chorus” that goes

“I cast all my cares upon You.  I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet.  And anytime that I don’t know what to do, I just cast all my cares upon You.”

You see, we have such an amazing, wonderful God!  He is so selfless in that He will take everything off of our shoulders!  Will your life be totally carefree with God?  No.  Sorry.  Life with God isn’t like a Disney fairytale.  There are people who will persecute you.  I don’t mean that everyone is going to become a martyr, but  you could be persecuted for how you talk, or things you don’t do because they are not pleasing to God.  But I personally think that is a minor consequence considering what could be the punishment for not living in according to how God wishes us to.

I know some people want to find a way to totally forget the past and it not come bother them again.  Sorry, it won’t happen.  If you have made a mistake, there is always a chance that part of the mistake will haunt you for the rest of your life.  That’s just the price we pay for free choice (and our stupidity).  God can forgive us and help us to forgive ourselves, yes.  But sometimes, we just have to live with what we’ve done.  Hopefully those painful reminders will help us to not make that stupid mistake again.

Anyways, my challenge to you is, QUIT BEING A PANSY!  Lose your pride (now the song “Pride Away” by Jeremy Camp is playing in my head).  Be willing to give everything to God and let Him handle everything!  Then you don’t risk making more a mess of your life.

“Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distress.”  (Psalms 107:6)